Since I turned 24 I feel like I have suddenly gained a new lease on life. I feel like I have revitalized myself. I have been 24 for almost a month (my birthday was August 26th) and I feel like things are looking up.
I feel like most of the past two years was mostly spent in isolation in a lot of way due to my depression related to the Barn Playhouse and all subsequent issues related to my falling out with Will Porter.
In regard to this I have realized the following things:
* No one in my intern company has forgotten about me.. and no matter how much I tend to doubt it Will most likely hasn't either.
* As much as I drove myself crazy with thinking Will does not hate me or think I'm a stalker.
*Memories of Summer 2007 are never forgotten and never will be forgotten
* I need to stop apologizing and feeling so guilty. People forgive me. I just need to forgive myself and let things go. Had I done that a while ago I would have made thinga a lot easier for myself and wouldn't have had to put myself through anxiety and put my friends through unnessary stress that they did not need to deal with.
The transition in regards to stuff related to the Barn took longer than it really should have. Time to put the past in the past.. where it belongs. Lock it up and throw away the key. Memories are never forgotten or lost.
Stuff related to the Barn was not the only transition that I had issues with,,, when I graduated from NEC last May that transition was really hard because I was starting my own life away from NEC and life at NEC was going on without me. I felt rather distant from all my friends from NEC and in a lot of ways I still do. I still keep in touch with the main people (Cooper,Erin and Stacey) but other than that I feel like things are changing too much.
Part of my revitialization and reinvention process invovles focussing on the here and now. Much of the past two years has been far to fouccesed on the past and I can no longer let the present pass me by. That will not be very good for me. As I said time to put the past in the past.
In the prior entry I mentioned I am going back to school to study Speech and Language Pathology at the tech college in Nashua. Those classes are going quite well and I find myself developing a new and deeper knowledge or language and how it is formed. Something I never really gave much thought to in the past. My goal in going back to school is to hopefully go to Graduate School at UNH for speech and language disorders and work for a school system. My relationship with Matt has been going fabulous. We have been going out for a year and I seriously could not be any happier in that regard. I also recently got a part time job at Target as a fitting room attendant/cashier. I am starting training next week and can not wait. Once I get a bit more money the next idea I have in my reinvention and revitilazation process is to join a gym or take some kind of fitness or yoga class.
Additionally, though i am not definitley sure of this yet my revitlization process may include getting rid of facebook. I feel as if the use of facebook really does hinder my maturity in a lot of ways. In order to prove to people I am mature I feel like the one thing I sould do is to get rid of the thing that hinders my maturity level. Deleting facebook is not set in stone yet. I am still deciding if that is the best thing to do at this point.
Update Dec 14th Since I wrote this entry I have thought long and hard about continuing with Speech Language Pathology or simply reconsidered going back to school in general. I was shocked and quite proud of myself when I got a B in Speech and Language Development..that was unexpected. When it came down to the cold hard truth of the matter there were some aspects of this field that I feel and my mom and professor agree that my disabilities could hinder. I was disappointed with the decision originally but then relaized that I have to be sensible too. IF I was struggling with certain aspects of the course material I would only continue to struggle more as the classes continued to get harder. Plus the classes were way too expensive and at the current time I could not afford them.. financially it is not possible for me to continue at this time because I have to keep in mind that I have also pay back my loans from NEC back and the last thing I want to do is add more financial stress to myself by having to pay back additional loans. Right now I am trying to apply for a job training program at St Joesph's Hopsital in Nashua and if I get accepted into that I may decide to swtich my major and study Medical Coding. If I don't end up getting into the job training program then I will just continue to work at Target until I find a job that gives me more substanial pay.
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