Starting over fresh

Since my birthday I have been thinking a lot about how I want to change my life. Last year was most definitley a transitional year for me in a lot of ways but now I think I am at point where I can start over fresh. Here is how this year will be different from last

• Job Stress: My job training program at St Joe's Hospital Project Search started on the 31st. After the first two weeks I can honestly say I am going to enjoy it though the worksheets we have been doing have been a bit tedious. The main goal of the program is that particiapants will be placed in a full time jobs at either St Joe's or another hospital or healthcare facility in Nashua. This week my process for interviews for internship rotations started off rough. I have an interview in the Pharmacy on Monday and yesterday I met with the supervisior in Medical Records and they may have a position for me there too. By this time next I am hoping to have a full time job and living in either Nashua, Concord or Portsmouth.
• Barn Playhouse Depression: My biggest struggle last year was overcoming the obstacle of my depression related to the theatre I interned at three years ago the New London Barn Playhouse. In regards to that two main things I had issues with was emotional attachments to the experieence I had there (rollled into that is having issues accepting that the Barn was changing as a whole) and anxiety related to drifiting apart from the people I interned with at the Barn. I had an idea that I was going to be forgotten about and anxiety that people were going to hate me from not being able to move on from the Barn. Nobody hates me or has forgotten about me.(No, not even Will Porter who I thought hated me for the longest time) People have just moved on. I am not less liked by people because it took me so long to move on for the Barn. I am actually a stronger person for having gone through this situation. I understand fully that people were frusturated with me and I don't blame them at all. If the roles were reversed I would feel the same way. I realized recently that my biggest issue was moving on and I was unhappy for the longest time because I was still stuck in the past. Working at the Barn was a great experience that's for certain and I will always remember the good time I had there but it was 4 months out my summer and four months out of all of theirs. We will all share those fond memories. People have gone their seperate ways and I have actually lost touch with a majority of the people I worked with at the Barn. They all knew I was struggling with stuff related to the Barn and I hope they all eventually realize that I am doing better.
• Offstage Drama: Another significant thing I dealt with last year was stress related to drama between my group of friends at NEC. There really that much of a group anymore and that makes me sad. I beleive it is best not to dwell on this too much because it makes me frusturated to say the least. The fall out started the winter of 2009 and slowly started to get worse as that school year went along. I mostly heard the info second hand from my friends that were still at the school and was for the most part out of the loop. In the long run I feel this was beneficial because it kept my more focussed on my own life and not getting so wrapped up in trying to fix other people's problems. While I sometimes get a little sad about the split of our group I am happy that I haven't lost tough with the main people I was close to (Erin,Stacey, Cooper,Jon,James, Laura, Leanna Rae, Moriah and my boyfriend of two years Matt) Keep those who make you happy close and eliminate those who cause tension. That's the main thing I took away from this situation
• Blogging Practices: I have had a livejournal ever since I was a freshmen at NEC. I used that as main outlet to keep in touch with my friends from high school before facebook was created. Since Facebook was created I use that as a main outlet to keep in touch people and use livejournal and this blog as a secondary way to keep in touch with people. A majority of my friends from high school who have livejournals either no longer update them because they have moved on to other blogging sites or just totally deleted it all together. At this point I mainly use lj to keep in touch with a few friends from college who update their journals every once in awhile but other than that I have mostly outgrown LJ and feel it is mostly for high schoolers. I have been crossposting most of the entries from my lj into this blog with the hopes of eventually making the full transition over to blogspot and eliminating livejournal completely due to lack of purpose in keeping it updated.
• Writing: As far as my writing is concerned I have been working on compiling an anthology of poetry and short stories that I have written since my freshmen year at NEC to the present. This has been a work in progress for two years and I am hoping to complete it in January or February. Christmas was my ultimate goal but work pretty much consumes me and I am pretty busy every weekend so I have little to no time to work on it. I have been writing a lot of fan fiction which has been a new experience. I am also going to be collaborating on writing a play with my mother based on her Children's book Princess K.I.M . And The Lie That Grew. This is going to be a fun project and we are working with people at Riverbend School of Theatre Arts to get it performed there in 2012. Very excited about this!
  
  
  
  New Years may not be til January but for me the New Year starts now. New Experiences. New Friends. New Beginnings. New Lease on Life.

Transitions

Well another birthday has come and gone.

As I reflect on my 25th birthday I see my 24th year as a year of transition. It has been a year of much emotional struggle for me but I am a better and stronger person for all the hard times I have been through.. I am blessed to be supported by a loving family great friends and an amazing boyfriend.The first transition was the issue I was having with all the drama with my NEC friends. What I have taken away from this situation is that people are not always what they seem to be and you never truly know what goes on between people when you're away from them. You wish you could fix things but ultimately you can't. That is honestly how I felt when all the drama first started to happen. I felt torn because I wanted to help people but not get so involved because I wanted distance myself from other people's problems as much as possible. As an end result.. as most of you who read this livejournal know paths have diverged and some people are no longer friends with each other. I sometimes wish I could go back and figure out what caused so much tension between people . infomation that I would discover way after the fact once signifcant damage had been done. Hopefully people can reconcile with each other but at this point I wonder if it's too late to hope for that.The second this is sligthly more recent. My sister left for college on Monday. That transition is still fresh. I know I will still talk to her on the phone and through skype but it won't be the same as having her at home every day. I am also going to really miss her friends and their prescence in my house. They've become almost like extenstions of my family and it's going to feel weird with not seeing them so often. They are spreading their wings and moving to different places and I am excited to find out where their paths from Amherst will lead them.The 3rd transiton..is really still in the process of transition. This transition is looking for a job. Largely I habe been out of work for two years though I have had lots of temporary jobs..not substanial enough pay to pay back my loans form NEC which has been a pain. I have a freelance job with the Milford Cabinet but that only pays $50.00 an artcile which amounts to $50.00-$100 a month depending on if I write one or two articles in a one month period. This summer I have been working at the Boys anf Girls Club of Greater Nashua doing clerical work. Combining these skills together with the skills from my job and my volunteer job at the Chamber of Commerce which ended on Augut 2nd I think I will have great experience that will help me to succeed in future positions. I had Project Search orientation on the 17th and I am both anxious and excited about this new endeavor. I can't wait til Tuesday New people. New experiences. All very exciting.
The final transition is of course my Barn Playhouse depression. This has taught a lot about friendship and how being obsessed about things can really not be a good thing. I was so wrapped up in being paranoid about the Barn Playhouse and wanting to fix things I couldn't control that I didn't really realize how it would have a long term effect on my relationships with people from my group at the Barn Playhouse. I mean I wasn't really close to half the people in the group anyway but despite level of closeness we were still a tight knit group of people. I thought that people would hate me because of the way I was acting about the Barn and it toook me FOREVER to realize that that was never the case. Looking back over old emails I kept from Caroline Kittrell and Maggie Politi I realized that I was being foolish. The biggest wake up call was when Maggie Politi emailed my mother in April about how her and the rest the people were concerned about me. I hope she realized how much that email meant to me because it helped me to believe something I had trouble trusting mostly because I was clouded by doubt that Will Porter hated me. Memories are not forgotten but that summer was four months out of my life and four months out of all of theirs. A mere stepping stone in all of their acting careers and I am honestly amazed at where people have ended up since we left. Broadway,national tours and quite a few people have worked at Summer Theatre in Meredith Village or other summer stock theatre in New England. All my friends from Amherst and NEC have put up tirelessly with my spazzy emails and freaking out about stuff related to the Barn and I appreciate all of them putting up with me. Now that this transition has fully passed. My summer at the Barn will now simply be in memories and the memories of that summer are quite lovely. From now on though In the past they will stay.. they should have remained in the past the second I left the Barn. I think I would have been a lot better off emotionally that way and I would have had to put myself through a lot less anxiety being able to trust that people hadn't forgotten about me or memories we had that summer.
25th year Onward and upwards to bigger and better things. Can't wait for what this year will hold

Moving on to the next phase

It's August already... wow this summer has sure flown by. 18 days til NY and 29 days til Project Search starts. I am currently at work at the Chamber of Commerce waiting for the assignment of my next task..figured i'd update while I had a little downtime.

This summer has been so busy. I've been mostly occupied with my job at Chamber and my job at the Boys and Girls Club. Last weekend was my mom's bday. We went to see Pursuit of Happiness at Milford Area Players on Saturday night. The play was really good. Sunday night we went to dinner at a Mexican resturant in Manchester. Typically I do not like Mexican food but this resturant was particuarly good. This weekend I went to the movies with Matt on Friday night. We saw GrownUps which was a fairly decent movie. I'm a realtively big fan of any movie with Adam Sandler in it. Saturday Matt Sonya and I spent the day in Meredith. We first went bowling at Funspot.. one of my lowest scoring games ever then we did some window shopping in Mill's Falls Marketplace and met Nancy Barry, John Baker and Brandon Santoro at Town Docks for dinner. A realtively inexpensive alternative to Gisueppe's where we usually eat. Then we went to see Chicago at Summer Theatre in Meredith Village. Maggie Politi Matt Rickard and Christina Giordano were both in the show it was really great to see them again. All signs point to my Theatre is My Life blog for a review of the show.

I am excited about Project Search starting. I have been growing frusturated with finding a job and I am hoping the skills I gain from this program will help me to get a full time job. My goal is to move out of my house by next year and move to Nashua or Concord. Of course it depends where I find a job.

YES

This past weekend I went to Maine for Coopstock a party at my friend Cooper's house. He lives on an island called Chebeague Island. It was the biggest blast ever. Friday I stayed overnight in Kennebunk at Matt's house and picked Alli Graham up at the airport in Portland. We were out of the house by 10:30 so we could meet Jon Waite at the clam festival in Yarmouth which was fun. We watched a clam shucking contest and went to a carnival. I rode bumper cars for the first time in years.. failed epically at manuevring the car. After that we headed to the ferry to go to Cooper's. Once we settled in we we relaxed for a few hours and the party started at around 7:30. SO MUCH fun. We danced the night away and Cooper sang a few times. The party lasted til 1 in the morning. Sunday we slept in and then went to the pool for a few hours played a rousing game of Scene It with Cooper and then went to a staged reading of Monty Python with Mrs. Bowman. It was so funny. Monday was mostly a travel day. From that point my week was pretty uneventful. Busy with work. Got paid doubly.. for my Boys and Girls Club job and my NH TO DO magazine article MONEY IN THE BANK

Next weekend I am going to Chicago at Summer Theatre in Meredith Village with Matt and Sonya. My friend Christina from NLBP is in it and i can't wait to see her again. I haven't seen her since I left New London three years ago. Maggie Politi is also in the show and I can't wait to see her again. Chicago is one of my favorite musicals ever and I can't wait to see what STMV does with it.

I am getting so excited about NY. Less than a month. I have been checking the RSVPS for the birthday party I am planning and it doesn't really seem like karaoke is going to have a huge turn out.. I need 2o people in order to book the function room and so far I only have 4 people confirmed and 2 people listed as maybe. Still waiting for 18 responses hopefully they start coming in soon. Rae Matt and I have been trying to figure out how we're going to split up our schedule for sightseeing over two days. There's so much to see in New York and I think we should easily be able to see all we need to see over the course of two days.

Ratings of movies I have seen this summer up to this point:
Theatre
Date Night C
Sex and The City 2 B-
Twlight Eclipse C
Toy Story 3 A-
Home Viewing
^Previously viewed
^It's Complicated A-
^Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat B-
^The Producers A (though this version I rented was not the musical version)

Let's see the last weekend in June I stayed at Matt's house in Wellsley. Satturday we saw a play at Wellsley College called Trip To Bountiful. It was a very interesting play which I thought was very well acted. I hope to see more plays at Wellsley. Sunday we went into Boston for the day (for more accurate two hours) and walked around Fannuiel Hall. We got lunch from this fabulous resturant called MMM Mac and Cheesr which serves gourmet macaroni and cheese DELISH. Monday we saw Toy Story three which was so cute.. best of the series. The week leading up to 4th of July was pretty boring with the exception of going bowling with Heather Matt and Sonya on Thursday. Last weekend I went to my beach house in Hull Mass for our annual 4th of July family reunion which was glorious. Could not have asked for better weather though I must say I am ready for it to rain to the humidity can break. We stayed in Hull til Tuesday and then Wednesday I started my job at the Boys and Girls Club. The first two days went well and I am so excited I got hired to work there this summer. I still have my volunteer job at the Chamber of Commerce which I go to on Tuesdays for the rest of the summer. Yesterday I was on the radio at UMASS Lowell again. The show went fabulous. I read three poems all with the theme of Transitions. The first was one I wrote a few months after I graduated from NEC, the second was about where I see myself in the future and the third about overcoming my Barn Playhouse depression. I got a job offer out of that too organizing schedules for the radio station which I am excited about. I will mostly be working from home and communicating with the person who runs the radio station confirming when people are doing shows and doing press releases. Very exciting. I am not really sure if it's volunteer of if I am getting paid that hasn't been determined yet. Last bight Matt and I went to see Eclispe. Once again I thought the movie was overly hyped up in the previews and wasn't as good as it looked. The battle scene was pretty epic and that actually the only good part of the movie for me. So far out of all the Twilight movies I only like Twlight. Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows is coming out in 2 parts Part 1 in November and Part 2 next July. So excited for that. I have fallen behind on the Harry Potter movies so I have a bit of catching up to do.I am so excited about next weekend . I am going to Maine for a party at Cooper's house. It will be my first time visiting his island. It should be a fun night. Ali Graham is coming to visit too so I can't wait to see her again. :)

Mixed and matched random thoughts

I will update soon with a more setialed entry for now here are some random thoughts that have been provided by answers to livejournal writers block questions. I find some of these questions to be interesting though some times my answers can get a bit repettive.

Question City Mouse of Country Mouse? Do you perfer a more rural or urban environment and why?
I was born and raised in a town called Saugus Massachuetts which is 45 mins outside of Boston. I moved to Amherst NH when I was 12 which is a rural town. The scenery in Amherst is nice but as far as social life there is very little to do. You have to drive 25 minutes to get to a place with thriving nightlife (Nashua or Manchester) Portsmouth is an hour away, Maine is an hour and half away as is Lake Winnipasaukee. Once I get on my feet financially (which seems to be taking forever) I plan on moving to either Nashua,Manchester, Concord,Portsmouth Portland Maine or Boston or any of the outlying suburban towns like Wellsely which is one the T. Since I do not drive I have to live in a place where I can take the bus or train or walk to work. Portsmouth is ideal for me because I love that area... I have heard it is really expensive there though so I could easily see myself living in either Portland,Ogunquit, Wells or Kittery. I LOVE MAINE! :) I could also picture myself living in a college town where everything is walkable distance. Henniker while it is pretty is not a place I could picture myself living full time 4 years at NEC with no social life on the weekends and no car to get to places outside of Henniker was prett unbearable though ther were some Fridays when I did take the shuttle into to Concord to go the movies or the mall but when you're a broke college student luxeries like that are few and far between.
Question Instant Wish If you could have one wish granted to you what would it be?
It is hard to choose one wish so I am cheating and writing about 3. 2 are general and one is personal and could actually kind of be considered as a goal as well.We'll start with the general (sorry if I cheated I know the question only asks about one wish)The first general wish is world peace. I am so disheartned by all the storeis I hear on the news about the war that is still going on and how many soilders are either wounded or have died. I know nobody. personally who has fought in the war though my best friend Heather's brother did and he was one of the lucky ones who retruned home safely. The whole War On Terror angers me so much because it has been going on from 9 years and it really should have ended three years ago perhaps sooner The 2nd general wish is that people would be more understanding of people who are gay and lesbian, I can't stand people who are bigots. I think what raised my appreciation was being in the Gay Straightt Alliance club at NEC because before then I didn'y even know very many people who were gay lesbian bi transgenederd. Being in that club gave me knowledge to be more understanding of people who are of a different sexual orientation then me., Love should be a universal thing and sexuality should not define it. My personal wish is that I find a sunbstanial paying job in the near future. I have been largely out of work for two years with exception of some part time and temporary jobs I have held. I want to move in to my own place within a year or a year and a half perferably in Nashua. The good thing about the job trainning program I start at the hospital in August is that upon completion they try to place you in a position with in the hospital. My hope after completing this program is to get a job in the main office or the PR department. I need money to pay my lons from NEC back and then maybe I will go back to school to take Medical Coding classes in January and possibly Spanish because Nashua has a large Spanish speaking population.
Question Lesson Learned Up to this point in your life what is the biggest lessson you have learned?
I'm 24 and I feel as if I've been in transition for a long time. The biggest lesson I have learned overtime is that people will come and go through out our lives but it's the friends who stick by you that matter the most. My circle of friends has grown and shrunk and grown again since I gradauted both high school and college. People change and friends change some friends stick by you and other fade into the background. I have learned this through the way my group of friends from NEC has changed since I graduated. Immature drama has split my core group of friends apart but the key thing is the people I grew the closest too are still in touch. Friends will also teach us things that stick with us for a long time. For example throughout my time at NEC I often put a lot of preassure on myself when it came to my grades. I felt it necessary to be in compettion with my friends who were the highest achievers and always on Deans List.. a lot of my friends on Deans List including a few people I roomed with. My friend Keri sent me an email during finals week of the fall of my junior year. That had been a particulary tough semester because I had to miss a week of school due to surgury. She told me that I shouldn't compare myself to other people and what's important about classes no mater what is subject that it's in is what you take away from the class in terms of what you learn not so much the grade. Had I had that mindset throughout all four years of college I probably would have put myself under a lot less stress to feel I needed to be the best.One transition I have had a lot of issues with recently is moving on from stuff related to the a theatre I interend at three years ago the New London Barn Playhouse. That was by far the roughest transitional period I've had to go through. I was frusturated with myself a lot because I felt like I need to prove to everyone else in my intern company that I was over stuff related to the Barn when in all honesty it took me longer to move on than I thought and everyone else had moved on after they left and started their own careers. At this point I can't let the past affect me anymore. People has moved on and over time the Barn itself has even changed as an instution. I can't stop things from moving forward and I can't keep looking back, instead I must look forward . There are so many things I can look forward to that are coming up. I may have temporaily hindered friendships with the people I worked with at the Barn because of the way I was so emotionally attached to issues going on at the Barn that I couldn't control. Had I not been so obsessed with the Barn and anxious about being forgotten about by people I worked with and forgetting memories from that summer relationships with the people from my intern company would not be so strained. I had a hard time realizng that was just one summer, 8 weeks out of my life and all of theirs and while the memories will always stay with all of us it's time to move on. Hopefully the friendships that I had with the people from my intern company will be less strained once I finally completly let go of everything related to the Barn... darkness is finallly turning into light. I am currently listening to is What I Did For Love from A Chours Line. Will Porter asked me a question after I left the Barn about what song I would sing in a one woman cabaret show and that's the song I picked. It's eerily coincidental that I am listening to that song as I write this entry.

Update

Memorial Day Weekend was fun. Friday was my last day of Mission Possible which was great. I'm going to miss the people I worked with at the Boys and Girls Club. Matt picked me up and we had dinner with my family and just relaxed. Saturday night we went to Moultonborough Academy to go a benefit concert for Summer Theatre in Meredith Village. It was a very good concert with a great mix of music. Yesterday I went to Matt's new apartment in Wellsley, We went shoping at the mall first and brought some graduation gifts for Kristin and Cameron, a housewarming gift for Heather and a birthday gift for Sonya. I think we acrually kind of overdid it on how much money we spent. but life is all about learning lessons. Wellsey is a very pretty town.. it was actually my first time going there this weekend. It's a cute little college town. I could easily picture myself living there or in a similar college town area in Massachuetts or NH.. perhaps maybe even Henniker who knows? Actually at NEC I constantly complained about how there was nothing to do in Henniker especially on the weekends so Henniker may not be the ideal place to live. I'm still picking Nashua or Portsmouth as my top two choices for places to live. However it will largely depend o n where I find a job once Project Search is over. Prior to Memorial Day I went to Souhegan for Senior Project Presentations. My sister did hers on Monday the 17th. She did hers on Journalism and for her applied piece taught journalism to Middle School students at AMS and helped them to create a newspaper. I was very proud of her. Tuesday was my sister's 2 best friends Mallory and Stephanie's presentations. Mal did hers on Animal Behavior and Steph did hers on Mythology. Both very interesting. Kristin's boyfriend Justin went on Wednesday. His project was about performance poetry..right up my alley. He wrote a poem for part of his applied piece which he read at graduation tonight. May 25th was Senior Project Awards night and I got to see a few presentations I did not get to see the previous week which were all very interesting. My sister got an award for her applied piece and I was quite happy for her. Friday before I went to Mission Possible was Academci Awards in the morning. My sister and her friends made out pretty well. Same thing goes for the scholarships as well. Congrats to everyone. Last weekend was my cousin Cameron's graduation party. It was a good time. Last night was my graduation ceremony for Mission Possible. I gave a speech and it was pretty welll received. Tonight was the SHS Graduation...the ceremony was kind of long but not as long as my graduation from NEC was two years ago. Lots of good speeches this year. After the ceremony we went to after parties at Steph and Justin's houses.. just got home from that about half an hour ago actually.

I am pretty exhausted and have a long day ahead. Time for bed
Janine