More post conversation with Will thoughts... even though the coversation I had with Will happened three weeks ago. So I think this year is the year where a lot of maturing happens for me. I find myself realizing that all the stuff I have been worrying about for the past 3 or 4 years when it comes to my relationship status and various other aspects of my life are somewhat seemingly insigificant. In fact they are very insignificant because it is really stupid of me to be so wrapped up in what other people think of me... that's what I've been somewhat wallowing in for quite a while and it's time for me to get over myself. I can't continue to compare myself to other people only seeing myself as second best. That only makes me miserable and brings down my self-esteem. I don't need that kind of attitude..... actually I don't need an attitude like that at all. There's no point in feeling sorry for myself when there's much more positivie stuff I should be generating my thoughts toward. When I dissect my relationship status over the past couple years... I mean really dissect it down to the core I realize that I have been somewhat immature all these years and shallow at that.. Ever since high school I have found myself crushing on guys I had no chance with or guys who I was really close friends with who I was afarid of telling I had feelings for them because I was afraid of ruining the friendship we had if I was to tell him how I felt and he did not feel the same way. I also found myself comparing myself to the pretty and more popular girls... those who were always dating the hot varsity jock who I no doubt had a crush on at some point or another. I saw myself as second best to them as far as being pretty was concerned. Similary I kind of felt the same way when I got to NEC for freshmen year even though there were less pretty popular girls to compare myself too but still I had that awkwardness about not being sure when to make the first move and say "Hey (inset name here) I like you." I went through the motions of freshmen and sophomore year finally working up the courage to tell one of my crushes that I liked him but that did not go over so well and there are times... though not so often now as in the beginning where I felt as if I ruined our friendship..but if it did so what? Can't do much about it. This is the year where things are going to be wiped completley clean... when it comes to relationships and my academic life. New Year... same friends although the circle is going to expand a little bit as I meet some of the freshmen and transfer students I have been talking online through out the summer (especially Lauren, Sheila Hollis and Samantha) Academics are a top priority this year so that way I am able to graduate on time. I am hoping that if I do decide to date again during this school year I will have better luck with finding some one who will love and respect me for who I am and be there for me through all things happy and sad throughout the school year. I don't know what I should do about the current crush I have... if I should just forget about it or see what happens with it and see if first the guy I like feels the same way and then to see if anything will become of the relationship. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I;m sure among the sea of fish @ NEC there will be some one for me. Who knows what may happen. As far as my circle of friends changing goes... well things are certainly going to be different this year. My friends Sondra and Judy both transferred to different schools. I am going to miss them both a lot but hopefully they will come back to visit, I also just found out that my friend Ali who I roomed with last falll but our rooming situation did not work out so well transferred to a college in Colorado. I am kind of bummed because I felt like rooming together last fall kind of put a rift in our friendship and I wanted to spend this semester repairing that rift a little because the last time I had talked to her she told me that she was transferring in the spring of next year. That's why the fact that she transferred now came as kind of a shock to me. New Year new friends... and for the most part our core group will stay the same.
Looking back on this old livejournal entry I realize that over the past year I have grown and changed quite a bit. Senior year was a huge eye opener. Will and I have not really spoken to each other a lot since we left the Barn Playhouse. There have been certain points when that has made me kind of upset but I've gotten over that bump in the road now. Looking back over all my old livejournal entries I have realized that I was realy immature in the way I dealt with certain situaions and that led to determental things in long run. Such as posting angry blog posts on myspace about how my rooming situation with Ali Graham wasn't working out. Ali and I are still friends though we don't really talk as much as we used too. Mt circle of friends has grown and changed since I left NEC. I still have my core group of friends though it has grown with additons of incoming freshmen. I have realize that facebook kind of controls my life in certain ways and it shouldn't. One of my new years resoulutions is to spend less time on facebook and stop sending out so many group messages and event invites about pointless things because I have come to realize that that really gets on people's nerves. (Thanks Maggie) I recall another conversation that I had with Will about livejournal and blogging and how I should keep my personal thoughts off the internet. If you noticed there was a gap between when I updated this blog between March and October. That was in part because I was overwhelmed with school work and in part because I had a lot of personal stuff I was dealing with that I did not deem very approriate to be posting in an internet blog where everyone can read it. I have awesome friends and an awesome boyfriend and I am very grateful that they are there to support me whenever I have times that are rough for me.
2009 looks to be an awesome year! I can't wait for what lies ahead.
Love
Janine
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